the Santa Diaries

06 Dec 2010 2 Comments

by oliviamwhelan in Uncategorized

Dec. 6th, 2010 – Nineteenth Day Before Christmas

Dear Diary,

Tried “googling” myself today.  ‘Twas a horrible mistake.

Thousands of digital photographs of folk dressed like Santa.  Feeling very replaceable.

Everyone assumes I remain merrily obese. Not a soul out there thinks right jolly old St. Nick might have lost weight.   And they’re right.  They’re all right.  He hasn’t.

Was thinking of taking out loan to buy new, shiny, speedy convertible as Christmas present for self.  Then realized current automobile already has an open top, is polished daily by winter-sprites, and travels at the speed of Holiday Cheer (roughly 570 Horsepower / 8 Reindeerpower).  What do you get for yourself when you already have everything?

Speaking of speedy sleighs and tiny reindeer, a couple of scientists down South published The Physics of Santa Claus : apprently, the laws of physics should “prevent Santa Claus from delivering all his gifts.”  In order for me to reach every household in the world, I would have to “travel near the speed of light.” And once my wagon exceeded 342 mph (24 Reindeerpower), I would “burst into fire.”  So much for Christmas Miracles.

Lillian Vernon Catologue selling Santa themed yard decorations.  There’s one where I’m wrapped around a tree after a ski accident.

Why do my kinderfolk want me dead?

Have eaten 19 gingerbread houses and 4 cartons of creamer whilst writing this entry.

Am downtrodden.

- Santa

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